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Jun 30, 2010

Spiralenz-ing downward...

And not weight wise. Well to be truthful, I have no idea how much I weigh, I haven't weighed myself in 3 weeks. My clothes fit the same, a few seem a bit looser, I don't "feel" like I've gained weight...but I didn't feel myself gaining weight most of the way up to 250 lbs...sometimes it seemed like I just woke up one day with an extra 10-15 lbs ....and then repeated it.

I am in a spiral of not eating/not sleeping. When I don't sleep I have no appetite, but then my blood sugar drops and I need to eat, so I eat whatever is available and in any quantity I want until I feel better, which makes my blood sugar spike, then I feel tired and stuffed and don't eat again...repeat, repeat, repeat until I get where I am today. Feeling like crap, exhausted and no motivation or will power to do anything but sleep - which, oh did I mention I am not sleeping?

I can't seem to turn my mind off when I try to sleep. Physically and emotionally I am drained, but my mind keeps racing with a million thoughts of moving, living alone, new job, new apartment (that I have yet to find), all the packing I have to do....and on and on. I know some things I can't control so wasting precious brain power worrying about them isn't helping me - but there is no off switch for my brain and when the house is quiet and I've stopped moving for the day, it seems to go into overdrive.

I am liking my new job. One of my managers took me out for lunch to Canyon Creek today which was a nice surprise (I had forgotten the perqs of the Corporate world) and we talked alot about my role and some projects I can work on to make the job more interesting and I hope, eventually translate into a different position that is more in line with my background and training of the last 10 years.  Since tomorrow is Canada Day, I also  booked Friday off so I have an extra long weekend ahead.

Tomorrow is my baby's 16th birthday. Happy Birthday Iain :) 

Jun 28, 2010

Ch...ch...anges

Where to start?

A lot has happened in my life in the last two months and I am not really ready to share all of it yet, but would like to update you all on some of it as it does affect my weight loss/healthy lifestyle efforts.

I almost want to type out a list...but that seems trivial for the magnitude of the changes.

Ok, here goes. Pull up a chair, grab a cup of tea and hang on :)

Firstly, back in April my husband and I decided to seperate.  This was a mutual, completely amicable and civil decision on both our parts and made in the best interests of each other and our sons.  We worked out a plan and told our family and friends throughout May. Right now we are working on setting up our new lives and trying to plan new futures for all of us. Our primary concern is always our sons and their happiness and welfare and to minimize the stress for them during this time.

The plan, as it stands now, is that I will get an apartment and the boys will come to live with me as of September 1. Dennis will spend some time living at his parents house, to save money and then will get another apartment nearby so the boys can go back and forth as they like. They are both teenagers and we are not going to get into a custody battle at this point. We want them to know they are welcome in either of our homes and can choose where they want to live. Obviously, this is the biggest change in my life and has been an emotional roller coaster. Dennis and I still care for each other very much and as much as I am concerned for myself and Iain and Liam - I am also concerned for him and want to help him as much as possible.

This is a huge change in our lives. Dennis and I have been together almost 25 years and married for 22 of them. I was very young when I met him and he is my only adult relationship, thinking of a life without him is terrifying and exciting at the same time.

I started a new job today in the Corporate Division of the company I currently work for. It's closer to home and a little more money and more in line with the environment I am used to, so I am hoping this is another positive change in my life.  The other great thing about this location is that there is a gym on site, not a great gym...but one right in the building that has Aquafit classes 3x a week and my corporate health and wellness benefit pays for 75% of the fees so I would be silly not to take advantage of this....even if all I ever do is the Aquafit classes, it would be worth it.

Last week I bought a car :) This is exciting because I've never bought a car by myself or owned one in my own name only. It's a 1997 Honda Civic and I have named him Rocco. I know cars are traditionally given girls' names...but I like to buck tradition now and again ;)

In terms of my weight loss efforts I joined WW again two weeks ago with some other bloggers. More so for the accountability and structure than anything else.  My weight has been yo-yoing again over the last month since I hit my low of the 209.6 and I know it is mostly from lack of structure and discipline in my eating and exercise rather than from overeating, so I need to get a handle on that so I can do the best job I can taking care of me so I can be the best mom I can to my boys.

I am not sure how much I will be blogging - I seem completely consumed right now by so many other aspects of my life. I so much appreciate that you are all out there caring about me :) and I am stilll reading blogs when I can so you'll see comments from me now and again.

My email is in my profile, if any of you would like to keep in touch that way, you are more than welcome to do so.

Jun 18, 2010

Hello..hello..hello???

Anyone still out there?

I have a lot to write about...but tonight is not the night. I am just breaking the "blog" ice again and wanted to let you all know I"m alive :) I appreciate your comments and emails asking where I was, I'm sorry I didn't respond personally.

For those of you who have me on Facebook, I haven't de-friended you, I"ve just deactivated my account for a bit.

Take care,